Soooo, Jake graduates from Basic on the 17th of December. He'll be home on the 19th, he hasn't yet decided where he wants to stay for the first week.. It's getting irritating. I want so badly to see him so I can give him the ring I bought & just have a good time before he has to leave again. God knows how long he'll be gone this time, a lot longer than 3 months that's for sure. So his dad called me last night & told me he got ANOTHER letter from Jake. I've gotten one... I understand it's hard to write & call because they have barely anytime but I've sent him the pictures he asked & I sent him a letter asking if he wanted me to drive up there the 1st week or the 2nd week he was home.. No fucking reply. It's been like 3 weeks since I've gotten anything, I feel forgotten. I know his dad comes first, but he could @ the least write me a short letter to tell me "Thanks for the pictures, come see me __blah blah__" I'd be fine with that. He's only been gone for 2 months & it feels like a year. If he doesn't communicate with me, this isn't going to work :[ & I want it to work more than anything.


Before, I was stupid, I was "in love" with Preston - for awhile.. He changed, but I know that I really did love him. Jack wasn't even a "serious" relationship - I love Jack he's a great friend, but I was never IN love with Jack. Now, Jake... Saying I love him.. doesn't even come close to describing the way I feel about him. I always had a little crush on him when I was young, but I never had the balls to say anything & I was blind to his overly obvious hints. I waited so long for him to tell me what I know now, & I finally had him. But I feel like I'm losing him.. I can't lose him, he's all I could ever ask for in a guy. I've heard from him once in the past 2 months - I was used to talking to him everyday.. I have saved texts & letters from him that I read over & over.. If someone who doesn't know me were to read this, they'd probably be thinking "Stupid teenager, you can't possibly be in love". I know this is real.. As stupid as it sounds - I know that at least I really do love him.


I just hope he thinks about me @ least half as much as I think about him..
I miss him so much :/

My heart is in the gutter. I'm a fucking mess..

Jake is joining the fucking army - worst branch out there as well, frontline infantry :'[ He's fucking stubborn as fuck about it too. I've tried everything to get him to stay but his heart is set on it. & because of it, it feels like he's stepping on mine. He's SO adamant about it, it almost seems like he wants me to beg him to stay. I caught on to that, but if that's the case I don't want to not say anything. Because if I don't, I don't want him to think I'm giving up on him. He's supposed to call me tonight to tell me how everything went & what he chose. He wanted to sign the max contract, 20 years. & He wants to put a rush on it so his dad will be there to sign for it & he can leave whenever they say so. I'm terrified, all I can think about is him dying. I know he has to go through training & all that shit. But there's always the chance he can be sent to Iraq. There's a chance we could be going to war with fucking Russia, the most ruthless people in the world. I can't stand the thought of losing him. I believe this to be the most selfish thing he's ever done. In a sense, it isn't selfish because he doesn't have a wife or kids he's leaving. But he's leaving me behind... He says it'd be good for "us" later. He said he wants to "support us" later in life - but if he goes for 20 years he'll never have a family. Then I keep thinking about him meeting a woman in the army...ahhhh I'm just sooooo not ready for this. I'm not ready to let him go, he's all I have. He's my best friend & we haven't reached the "i'm your girlfriend you're my boyfriend" point but I don't think it needs to be said at this point. I keep seeing army commercials on t.v. I keep dreaming about us & all I can think about it how happy I was before he did this..


I don't want anything to happen to him, & I really don't want him to leave me behind. I feel like this proves to me that I'm really not that important but I do know how he feels about me. & I know he wants to prove to his dad that he can do this. I can't stop him from doing anything, but I just wish there was something I could do.


I guess I just have to face it, go through with it. Support him, love him, & tell him I'll be here when he comes back...If he comes back :/


All I can do is cry lately, I just...I don't know how to deal with this..

I went to Wenatchee for a week..a week & 1/2 ago. Jake came up the same day I did & it was all fine & dandy until his stupid page got hacked. It really wasn't that big of a deal @ first I thought maybe it was one of his friend's from Stanwood fucking with him. But when I look @ it it was all this shit about him loving a girl named Demi. He told me he had no clue who did it & that it was all bullshit. No big deal right? Well he left his page running on my phone [it has internet] & I noticed a shitload of messages from this Demi girl. I couldn't stop myself.. So I quietly sat back while he was changing all his stuff & read their lovely little conversations. Well come to find out, the person that hacked his shit hates me completely. They sent me messages OF messages between Jake & this girl [the same ones I had read]. I showed Jake & he immediately said that there was nothing going on between them they were old messages blah blah blah. He talked about how much he loves her, how she's his best friend, ALL this shit. The "love" thing didn't bother me - the best friend thing, killed me. I've known Jake practically my entire life & for him to say that some broad he's know for a few years is his fucking soulmate - fuck that. I didn't yell @ him I just let him know I was upset about it & I told him I shouldn't have believed his bullshit in the first place. I felt like I was overreacting because him & I aren't officially together in anything. Our relationship is unspoken between friends & family. Him & I, with the exception of a few friends, are the only people that know about "us". I really felt ashamed of myself, I felt used. Preston pulled this shit behind my back so many times - I just refused to let it happen again so I kept my guard up. I talked to the Demi girl via myspace, I felt, really creepy doing so as well. But she was really nice about everything, she said they never had anything going on & she explained to me what most of it was about. I don't know if I should really believe it but it all seemed to fall into place nicely so I'm trying to put it behind me..


Jake didn't speak to me for a week & 1/2 after all this. I thought it was because he was pissed @ me. So I sent him a rude email & come to find out - he was in the hosptial. Foot in mouth moment - I felt horrible. So I'm pretty sure him & I are on good terms now - but I have mad trust issues. & I'm really bad with keeping things within myself. When I'm pissed, I let people know. But with Jake I try my best not to fight with him because I rarely fucking see him v.v


My mom's pregnancy so far, has been good. However, the baby has something wrong with it & I don't recall the name but it's some sort of disease. The baby should be fine but it's more than likely to need an operation. This surgery though is very dangerous on infants & there's a possibility that the baby could die during the procedure...It really hard on my mom right now & it's stressful for the whole family. On top of that my step father is dying right now. He has diabetes - as well as blocked tissue in his brain from having a stroke. So he, too, may need surgery - brain surgery.. We're fucking broke right now, we have a high-risk baby on the way, a dying father, & a pregnant lady to deal with. Life sucks @ the moment.


I keep telling myself that everything will get better, but it seems like when something good FINALLY comes along; something 10 times worse comes & blows everything out of the water v.v I feel stuck. Once I get my license as well as my job, I'll feel SOOO much better. 6 months to go :/


Feels like an eternity..